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the one they called
30 August 2013 @ 07:29 am
This is me.

This is me being upset that he is taking his (at least) 3rd Friday off since we separated for a weekend trip, when I always got "There is literally no one to cover for me, I just cannot take Fridays off, ever." whenever I wanted to take a trip.

This is me wondering who he is going out of town with for a concert this weekend.

This is me trying to figure out why he didn't want to do these things with me.

This is me crying.

This is me broken.

This is me trying to remind myself that I am better off without him.

This is me doing it all privately because no matter what, the mask of "I'm ok" mustn't slip.
the one they called
28 August 2013 @ 03:38 pm
The demon is toying with me these days. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope between happiness and a deep depression. I live in fear of the slightest shift in wind that might send me flying off in one directions or the other. I am coming to believe I live in fear of the happiness as well as the depression.

A friend of mine asked me the other day, "Have you ever made a list of all the things that are causing you to be depressed? I did that once. It helped." Since work is insanely slow today and my mind is thinking of all the depressing things it can anyway, I figured I'd list them. These are in no specific order.

- I thought by 33 I'd be happily married with a family. I'm not.

- I miss my Mom, who passed away a little over 2 years ago, so much that is causes my heart to ache. I feel so lost right now in life and I'm not sure I can find my way without her.

- Other than my friends, who are amazing and I am so thankful for, I have no one. No family that I speak to regularly or close by. You know how you have a "Call in case of emergency" person? A person who will take care of you, know your wishes about life and death, etc.? I no longer have one of those. This terrifies me for some reason.

- I want to be ok with being alone. I'm mad at myself for not feeling ok about it.

- Financially, I'm tight. I can pay my bills, put food in my belly and gas in my car...I can even work out fun things on occasion, but I feel unstable without the 2nd income I've had available for the past 7 years. Even though I'm working a part-time job.

- I feel unattractive and overweight, even though I'm eating healthy and working out more than I have in years. I feel great when I'm working out but the high dies so quickly and the low self esteem comes creeping back in.

- What if this is it? What if it really is just me, alone, forever?

I read all that and it's blatantly clear to me that I am suffering from severe insecurity. These feelings aren't in my wheelhouse. I don't know how to cope with them. Depression, sure, been there done that, have the free t-shirt but never before have I had these feelings of "I'm not good enough" "I'm scared" "Poor me" "What happens now" without quickly being able to squash them with my typical Type A/Aries/Feminist personality.

What if the past 2 years has robbed me of what I've known to be true about myself my entire life? What if all that's left is a broken shell that's just too tired to pick up the pieces yet again?

(in case anyone is wondering, my titles are always the title of the song that's playing when I start the entry)
the one they called
18 August 2013 @ 03:34 pm
I'm 33 and going through a separation. I am an adult orphan with a mentally unstable 46 year old brother who disowned me for asking him to stop tagging me in his Facebook posts and no other family to speak of. My friends are all I have but I know they don't truly understand me. Most days, I am ok. I manage the loneliness well. Some days, I'm not ok.

I'm sure I'll get to all of it later, but I guess I'll start with my separation. In 2008 I married my best friend. He was my best drinking buddy, the first person I went to for advice or with news. I thought marrying him was perfect. If I couldn't make it work with him, I'd never make it with anyone. As the years passed, I realized that we were not a couple. We were roommates. We were friends. We had a wonderful friendship, but a horrible marriage.

He had health issues, I was by his side for all of it. I ran a half marathon, he didn't bother to show up. I wanted to stop smoking and cut back on drinking, he bought me drinks and gave me cigarettes in moments of weakness. I don't blame him for this, it's who we were together.

I wanted children. He wanted children. It came time to try for children, he changed his mind. He never wanted me, you know, in that way.

I started to seek attention elsewhere. I never cheated. Emotionally, yes, maybe. But he gave me so little. We talked, I told him I needed more. I had to have more. In March, we agreed to try for 2 more months, if it didn't work, we would walk away. About 3 weeks into the 2 months I got a text message at work on a Monday:

"I know we said 2 months, but this isn't working. You aren't happy, I'm not happy. There's no need to wait."

That's his personality. Anything to avoid confrontation or a real discussion. Hit me at work, when I can't respond. He works nights, I work days, he wouldn't have to see me face to face for a few days. That Friday he moved out and I haven't seen him since.

It sounds bad, right? Somehow we are still friends. We text occasionally, are very friendly with each other. Do favors for each other if we can. He's come out of his shell. He seems to be becoming the person I wanted him to be so badly with me. Again, I don't know if this is a front he is putting on for me or if it's true, but there is something so painful in realizing that he happier without me than he was with me.

I went back to an ex for awhile to numb the pain. After a few months of that, I realized that I I had never processed feelings that I needed to deal with. I missed my husband. I cried for him. While I know the relationship is not the one I'm supposed to be in, I have to have time to grieve the loss of it. That is where I am now.

Like I said before, most days I am ok. Some days, I'm not ok. Today is one of those days. Today I feel so alone in the world it's crippling. I feel as if I will never have the family I have longed for my whole life. I want to pull the covers over my head and never come out. I know this will pass, it always does. But I have to get it out.

So, that is why I'm here. I hope that one day you'll see that I'm witty, intelligent, creative and kind. I hope that one day I'm not so exhausted from pretending to be ok to show you.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
the one they called
03 November 2007 @ 12:52 am
the one they called
17 September 2005 @ 11:34 pm
Well, I'm home from the wedding...I am a little drunk. I'm also a little depressed. People would ask "What do you do?" I would answer "I work and go to school." "Oh you sound so busy!" They would reply. "And you're so young".

The problem is I just don't feel young anymore and I don't feel good about myself. Is it a sin to say that out loud? Yes, I know I have it better than most, yes I know that some a few people think I'm pretty but it's just not enough anymore. My life is shit, really...if you think about it.

I have my family, who are really just a bunch of whack jobs in disguise for the general population of Bum Fuck, North Cacalacky where I live and the soul purpose in my life right now is working, paying my bills and going to school for a degree that I have no idea what to do with and a major I'm going to have to change because night school doesn't offer it and a dog I love and talk to like it's human. That's about it.

I'm not ungrateful for what I do have. I'm just miserable with it...and I haven't a clue how to escape it.

Sometimes I just want to sleep for months. Don't wake me up, cause it's almost over to quote the great Fred Durst. I am honestly sick of hurting and I am sick of "getting through it", I am sick of "moving on" and I am sick of staring over.

I'm 25 and feel 85, I feel that I have been through so much in my life that is has to be close to ending because there is no way I could ever do some of the stuff again. The marriage, the miscarriage, the overdose, the death, the life, the happiness, the sadness, the mistakes...all of it. Sometimes it just seems like too much. Sometimes I can't don't want to do it...anymore.

But tomorrow, I will wake up and I will put on that god damned front of a happy face that I have been wearing for years and I will do it all again.

now and then a cloud rolls in, rains on my parade again...
Current Music: Incubus - Warning
the one they called
21 July 2005 @ 04:03 pm
I'm going back to school this fall. I have to finish this degree at some point or another, I guess. The motivation? A communication coordinator (entry level) position is opening up within my company. It's perfect for my "development plan" as long as I'm still in school...majoring in communication. I can't very well fight for the job that I think I would really enjoy if I'm refusing to get off my ass (even though I had a 4.0 GPA) and go back to school now can I?

So that's that.
the one they called
21 July 2005 @ 01:52 pm
I had Greek food for lunch. It was all I'd hoped for and more. I missed the Saganaki and Spanakopita...but it was good and simple. Some chicken, some pita, some tzatziki (a cucumber sauce) and feta...but it worked and I'm satisfied. Yum. *contented sigh*

Tonight I need to clean my apartment. It is so gross; I'm not sure how anyone can live there. Well, to some it may not be that bad, but to me...it seems horrible. I keep finding cat fur balls in Milly's mouth. So tonight, I go home, crank the Cream of Clapton and get to cleaning.

Chris is supposed to call me tonight to discuss the details of the move. Turns out he has to go to Idaho to fight fires for a month and won't be ready to put the house on the market until September. Well, tough shit...Mom's moving out in 3 weeks and she's done paying the bills for that house. If he wants to try and push me on the issue I'll tell him that. Don't tell my family to be out in two weeks and then change your mind.

*deep breath*

I'm a very odd person, did you know that? I totally love FolkAlley.com they're a web station that plays folk music, Celtic, and world music. It's just something different. One minute I'm listening to the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, then Norah Jones and then an Irish sing along song about Billy O'Rilley and his band of drinking buddies or some shit. You should try it sometime, but only if your music tastes are extremely varied.

Its hot today in North Carolina. Its days like this I miss Vermont.

Ok, since I'm leaving around 2pm tomorrow, today is my last day to actually get some stuff done as everyone returns to the office on Monday. Damn, it's been such a peaceful week.

Happy Lil'Friday ya'll. :)
Current Mood: fullfull
Current Music: Joel Mabus - Bajo ala Turk - FolkAlley.com
the one they called
19 July 2005 @ 11:42 am
Well, Jen just called to inform me that we're probably going to New Orleans on September 23rd. :) She wants me to down to Mobile, AL where she'll be working on that Friday morning, have us drive to NOLA to meet 2 friends of hers that will already be there, hang out for the weekend, drive back to Mobile Monday morning and fly back home. It will be a whirlwind trip, but it would be fun! :) So, that's another trip in September to save money for. How exciting! :)

Random tidbit about me...I love cheeseburgers. They're like my all time favorite food. I like them Plain or with Ketchup, Mustard and pickles...sometimes coleslaw, but only if it's my Mom's. :) I could eat them for breakfast lunch and dinner if I wouldn't end up weighing 5,000lbs. :) I'm insanely craving one right now, but what else is new.

I just had to chew one of our vendors out for one of my manager's who is out of town. I hate doing other people's dirty work for them. But that's what they pay me for I guess.

Ok, this has been a pointless entry...but if I didn't write it, I wouldn't have been able to say Happy Tuesday Turtles! :)
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
the one they called
21 April 2005 @ 09:00 am
So, tonight I'm going to a country show. Blake Shelton, do you guys know who he is? I really kind of don't, but it's a date. A 2nd date. I've been quiet lately, huh?

Monday night I met a guy that I met online (the guy who I chickened out of a date with awhile back) for drinks, he brought a friend and I brought Courtney (security, ya know?). Turns out the 4 of us had a blast, we played foosball and pool, then ended up back at Courtney's to watch Pulp Fiction until 2:30am. I always said in the past that some of my best dates always involve sleep deprevation. So, the guys asked us to go to Raleigh for the show tonight and we decided it might be fun.

Let's see...this guy, he looks a little like Dale Jr. (the NASCAR driver...and I don't watch NASCAR, someone told me that and I looked up his picture) and he is a COUNTRY boy. Originally from West Virginia his accent is so thick sometimes I'm like "Whaaat? Is that a word? Could you speed it up a little? Maybe then I'll get it." hehe :) He's very sweet, he's got that Southern Charm. He also starts the Police Academy in August. He's 27 (28 on May 11) and just a nice guy.

I think he's looking for something serious, I'm not so much...but I laid that out for him on the phone last night. Or at least I hope I did, because I believe this guy could attach himself to my leg at any given moment, much like a two year old. He has the clingy potential. Right now, it's just something fun and it's keeping my mind off Fuzzy.

And reminding me that I can still be attractive in braces. :)

Anyway, it's Thursday. Courtney is trying to convince me to take vacation tomorrow...work has been so crazy lately I'm afraid to, but we'll see. In any event...happy Lil'Friday (oh, I confused some people last week...I call Thursday, "Lil'Friday" because it's almost like Friday and by using the word Friday it makes it feel closer) everyone! :)
Current Mood: geekyMy big bad work self
Current Music: Some Country Music I don't know
the one they called
08 April 2005 @ 09:48 am
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